In Darkness and Pain

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Note from the author~ I am currently receiving medical treatment, counseling from my parents and professional in regards to my struggles. 

Chronic pain… it’s more than simply having daily pain. It’s more than hurting every moment of every day. It robs you at every level: mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. Maybe you are reading this and know the pain of a chronic illness, yet for those who don’t know, here is a slight exercise for you to see what we live with everyday. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine sitting on hot coals. These burning embers won’t leave your skin, even if you twitch your leg. Now hold your breath. Even if you want to take a breath, keep it in. After doing this for one minute, you are done.

That was hard wasn’t it? You probably have a headache now. That is a small picture of what chronic pain feels like. Simple tasks such as breathing hurts. The thought of getting out of bed is hard. It is terrifying to think of going out in public, not knowing when the next flare-up will happen.

Not only this, but add the greatest challenge of attempting to live a normal life and the expectations that others have for you to live just as everyone else.

Friends, I struggle with suicidal thoughts. Not because I am being selfish. Not because I want to hurt others in my life. Not because of a hard past. Not because of guilt. But because sometimes, that is the only answer my mind can think of when I am in toxic pain. Sometimes the pain of my illness is so intense that death seems to be the only possible answer or solution.

Some of you may ask, “If suicide feels like such a reasonable answer, why are you still around?”

I choose to live because I know that God is bigger than my pain. I choose to live because life is worth living, even with the pain. I choose to live because I love my family and refuse to have them suffer even more than I do by my death.

I choose to live because Christ has given me life and that more abundantly. He has promised that He will work things for my good. So when the days are rough and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I look to Him and take one step forward.

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6 thoughts on “In Darkness and Pain”

  1. Love you, friend! Thank you for being willing to give your heart on page in such an honest, transparent way. That takes courage. Praying the Lord will sustain you, as you “look to Him and take one step forward.” ❤ ❤

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  2. Here are a couple songs I’ve found strength in when I’ve suffered as you described. When the physical pain is almost unbearable and you know as you look out at the future you’re going to have to go through it over and over again. Hopelessness and despair start to hover close.
    That’s when I close my door, turn up the music loud and worship with all the weakness within me. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him…” Job 13:15

    Even If – Mercy Me (Album Lifer)

    Hallelujah, You are Good – Steven Curtis Chapman (Album Worship and Believe)

    Praying for you dear friend.

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  3. Wow, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how awful that must be. I am encouraged by your perseverance though. Keep on persevering girl. ❤️

    Much love,
    Maddie

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